PHONETOOSH

Some are born with silver cell phones in their mouth, others aren't.  

Still friends, sleek cells or not, we're all insaan log. Surprise surprise, so is the star set. They have their blacker than coal moods and use language ranging from the Emily Post-like politesse to the unadulterated mc-bc.  

So, I'm just dialling into the subject: about how to organise meetings with heroes, heroines, directors. It's all done through the phone to the interviewee, straight, direct, since most secretaries are more occupied in turning into film producers themselves. In vain. 

Interviews of the PR kind are, of course, organised by a battery of spicy and buzzy agencies, five minutes are doled out to each journalist. Aamir Khan and Salman Khan are unequivocally contemptuous of the press but on the eve of a film’s release are all honey-and-cream with anyone with a pad and paper in hand. 

To return to the anytime-interviews (if that is still possible in these marketing maska days) there is a pattern of sorts. 

First, you must possess a phone – there was a time when MTNL was very MEANTNL about allocating lines. And then you must possess the star's phone number.  

Mobile numbers are far preferable to landlines which are only answered by yells, “Khaaaali peeeli, idhar phone nahin karne ka. Bola na madame..saheb..nahaa rayela hai..kya?..alag ya saath mein?..tere ko kya, saala halqat.” Receiver banged.  

It’s infinitely better to go to cell and back. Never mind if  the stars are unreachable, mostly. As for the sms route, you may be stranded in the Antarctica snows or you may be just about to be roasted for a meal by cannibals, but your msgs for emergency help will almost always draw a blank.  

The only response may be from the amiable Bhojpuri superstar Ravi Kissen whose sms’es always incorporate a word or two of his new film like “Ham dulhania ke lage jaibo jaibo.” Huh? 

No use crying over unanswered connections, no? Just for the record, I will tell you of my most horrifying and delightful phone experiences, starting with the positive ones of course. Aakhir, hello hello, life mein kuch positive honach mangta.

Great connections

Undoubtedly, the Bachchans have the best phone manners in the show world. Leave a message with the operator, and your call will be returned. Or it could be answered to in his blog..if there any slur or slight involved. 

Source of constant amusement, a domestic help at Asha Bhosle's Peddar Road apartment sounds as angry as the Mangeshkars do about the flyover. When I call, she renames me, “Kaali Mohabbat.” Of late, she hasn't been picking up the phone. That’s why I haven't been calling up Ashaji either. 

Shah Rukh Khan is pretty okay on sms. He’ll respond if he thinks your demand/request merits attention. 

 Rishi Kapoor, after a couple of sunset Patialas, will always tell me what a good person I am, how he liked something I wrote, and that I deserve the entire crate of Emilion wine which will turn to vinegar, if I don't drop by soon. Whenever I'm low, Chints boosts the shred of my ego. And he never ever calls his wine ‘expensive and exclusive.’ Terrific manners. 

Kareena Kapoor, hot on the sms front, will respond “my dr khld hw u whr u luvz ksses, bk in a wk frm Kl Lmpr v mst mt sn”, but is  not a genuine person at all. I distrust her, not that I have to, and not that it makes a difference to her, but just for the record. 

Tabu, not regular, but when she does sms it's with no agenda, no nothing, just keeping in touch. Urmila Matondkar, Shabana Azmi and Arjun Rampal, my Tehzeeb team. In phone manners they live up to my movie’s title. Dia Mirza, forget it. 

Rekha. Leave a message on the landline. If she cares for

you, she'll dial back, could be after a year or two though. 

Ram Gopal Varma. Suddenly rings up before he goes off to the gym, at 10 am, to say, “Gaaru, nothing..nothing..was just missing your voice. So I called..bye..drop by when you're in the suburbs.” I just hope he doesn't say this to 10,000 other journalists. And anyway at least he’s predictable, he never disappoints.

Frustrating connections

Sushmita Sen and Aishwarya Rai are the uncrowned queens of Miss No Phone Universe.Anyone who can touch base with them, on the first try, deserves to be feted with marigold garlands at a public function. Instead of Ms Sen and Ms Rai,  their secretaries will attend. Neha Dhupia has to be told by the airhostessed to quit yakking into her mobile before airflight take-oofs, offs. 

Vivek Oberoi, accessible only a week before a film's release, to talk about nothing but the film's release. Yawn. Govinda. Tere mobile ki battery mari to main kya karoon? Circa 8 pm, a man inDilip Kumar's bungalow, will say, “Just hold on.” The longest pause since Dilip Kumar in Devdas follows, you hear some shuffles, clashes of pots and pans in the kitchen, hours pass, it's nearly dawn before the man says, “Saab toh so rahe hain." At 4 am, I should think so. 

Sanjay Leela Bhansali will talk only a day after his film's release, only to those who have gone bananas and papayas over his masterpiece. And that, in very brief, is yeh Call Yug ki kahani. 

(Will do a second installment of this feature..and do tell me of the wildest phone situations you have been caught in..)