In such shallow waters

BLUE

Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Akshay Kumar, Lara Dutta, Zayed Khan, Sharks, Bahama butts
Direction: (not much of it) Anthony D’Souza
Rating: One star..and that’s being generous

Sharks, there go those shucks!Ulp, excuzee, pardon, sowie. Shucks there go those sharks!
And hey, they’re smooth-as-slate grey. Their teeth aren’t visible (must be senior seatizens).
Plus every guy who owns a scuba-diving suit swims past them, happily, as also past National Geographic-like anemones, crayfish and fish life with silver fins. Fin and games?

Forget it. As soon as the credit titles of Blue,directed by former adman Anthony D’Souza, are over,  you’re already seasick.  A couple of reels later,  you even want to cry out loud, “What on earth are you guys doing? Do you take us for ninnies?” Absolutely contemptuous of the audience’s intelligence, this one has more ‘action’ of sorts on terra firma, than down there 20 leagues under the sea. Strangely, ceaseless footage is expended on Zayed Khan  riding a designer bike zippily through the expressways of Bangkok. Squawk.

Next: Vroom, this Dhoom-addicted dude strikes up a multi-million dollar debt, all because he took a fancy to this Smiley (Katrina Kaif, vapid)  wearing a diamond lipling. Meanwhile, you’ve been subjected to a heap of weird information. That Kabir Bedi stepped out of the sea in 1949, wearing a freshly laundered naval officer suit. Then poof, he vanished like Aladin’s genie. Meanie.

Many many many many many  years later, lobster fisherman Sethji (Sanjay Dutt, paunched out) and his buddy, Aarav (Akshay Kumar, in a Sam Tytlerish goatee) are upto some fearsome faltugiri. They box in  a ring. Ping. And Sethji’s wife—or live-in gal (Lara D)  – mumbles something about oceansful of cash  to research  marine life. Expensive, expensive.

Got the drift? It’s difficult to since the screenplay (if there was one),and the shot takings are conceptually as shallow as the powder-blue sea. A hurricane is announced but never shows up disappointingly. Every thing is all too childishly easy. When crisis calls, Sethji just takes off for an interlude of treasure hunting.Yippee do. 

For sure, the hunteroos organised at college annual functions are much more demanding. Out here a ship that holds costume jewellery  is quicky detected in a ruined hull (a nude mermaid statue looks freshly sculpted though). After a frown or two,  roguish Rahul Dev and his oriental dakus are banged-banged to extinction. And if you think this is a spoler, it isn’t. Much more pop con is to follow. Hellow Akshay Kumar, predictably, hogs the end credits. Surely, Kylie Minogue who does a Chiggy Wiggy at the outset could have been brought back for a Tickly Wickly?

Essentially, this Blue movie (!) is awfully directed – disjointed, senseless shot taking and tiresomely lit  like the time Sethji and Aarav converse at a dark oceanfront near-replicating  a  scene in Omkara.  Shots through champagne and wine glasses are hilariously retro. Ditto those sudden pans to women’s butts which you thought had ended with Ram Gopal Varma’s posterior past. The editing is either too senseless (a gunfight through walls is insanely amateurish) or tempo-killing like the song sequence over a listless montage and flashbacks.

Unfortunately, Akshay Kumar engages in anti-women dialogue once again after Kambakt Ishk, asking smarmily, “Can I ride you?” He’s also racist, comparing a session with a black and a white woman to plonking piano keys.Besides, couldn’t he have been prevented from saying “blew” instead of “blue”?  

Zayed Khan is not worth remarking upon. Lara Dutta is purely decorative, her sex appeal outdone by all the beach blondes and brunettes the camera keeps salivating over. As for Sanjay Dutt, arguably this is his career-worst. 

Bottomwhine: Blue is one bloomer of a movie. Don’t even think of all the crores spent on this kiddish enterprise. That’ll just leave you with one helluva sinking feeling.