Kuch kuch terrorism hai?

Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Om Puri

Direction: Rensil D’Silva 

Rating: One and a half stars 

I desisted from writing an instant-noodle review of Kurbaan. I said I wouldn’t, there’s no point etc. Because it raised my hackles to the extent that I wondered whether I was responding to this travesty of a film as a critic or as a Muslim.  

I saw the film again, reflected on its content as well as style, and so yes, though I had promised myself that I would ignore the film, here I am for whatever it’s worth giving my take on the widely publicised film (Some love stories have blood on them, went the poster catchline, whatever that means). Because silence at times from a critic should not mean approval or even acceptance. 

The most shallow film of 2009, Kurbaan directed by Rensil D’Silva and produced by Karan Johar,borrows its skeletal plot premise about urban terrorism from Hollywood’s Arlington Road(1999), a film which Johar wanted to adapt and direct some half a decade ago. Presumably he didn’t because he couldn’t put together a script to his personal satisfaction.  

The scripting task, in Johar’s mind, has been achieved by D’Silva who had co-written the  superior but flawed Rang de Basanti. In its very concept, Kurbaan plays on dangerous ground. With several inevitable subtractions and additions, it morphs the original’s story about American terrorists operating from the deceptively calm suburbia. Only in this case, the terrorists are Muslims, endowed with rough stubbles, red hot eyes and the biggest cliché of them all, Om Puri as chief exterminator. If this is not irresponsible cinema, what is? Karan Johar credits himself with the story. Wonderful! If he ever adapts Red Riding Hood, he’s likely to take credit for that too. 

Saif Ali Khan, as Ehsaan Khan, and all the terrorist baddies are Muslims. Still do note, Kareena Kapoor with those dead eyes and twitch-twitch mouth is Avantika -- meaning a non-Muslim is about to expose a sleeper terrorist cell. Applause for the Avantikas of the world! Perhaps a Salma or Shehnaz ,as the deceived wife of Ehsaan, would not have washed with the majority community audience. D’Silva-Johar mistakenly believe that they know the formula. So what if every twist and turn in the dramaturgy is replete with contrived coincidences and are laughably illogical as well. The easy-as-pie manner,in which Ehsaan Khan is okayed by an American Unversity to take classes on the Muslim identity, is a ribtickler.  

Now, cut back to the heroic heroine Avantika. She  is aided by a sidey-effect, Vivek Oberoi portraying a Muslim, but he’s more of an add-on than organic to the plot. As awkwardly Dia Mirza, as Reporter Rehana,goes up in smoke in an airplane blast. The sequence is so tackily picturised that you squirm in your seat. Indeed, you fret throughout the two-hour-40-minute film, a brazenly glossy, superficial and blinkered view of post-9/11 terrorism. 

No effort is made to investigate the root causes (except for some wonky allusion to global oil prices..and groan, personal vendetta). No effort is made to touch upon the complexities, or the after-effects of the beastly, misguided madness. No effort is made to do anything but be hopelessy irrational. Take the terrorists mudering one of their own jehadi’s wife. Did they wake up one morning to conclude that her kheer and biryani were not up to the mark? Or did they have issues with her smiling beatifically? And what about Big Bad Mamma Jehadi (Kirron Kher doing an Irene Papas-like number) looking more venomous than Cruella Da Vil? More: And what about that giggle-inducing close-up of cyanide capsules? In case of trouble, terrorists are instructed to swallow immediately. Some of them don’t and so have to be pumped with bullets in sleazoid bars. Or at a smashed car’s steering wheel.What a hoot!  

Strictly by comparison Jagmohan Mundra’s Shoot at Sight (with a near-similar plot) was good, Kabir Khan’s New York was much better, and with or without comparison, Shoaib Mansoor’s Khuda Kay Liye was outstanding. 

From the first frame to the last, Kurbaan is a lesson in how not to write a script and worse, how to direct it. The romance between the two dandily-garbed professors on a Delhi campus is embarrassing. By the way, a bookish professor sprouts up like a mushroom to display his terrorist fangs.So much bookwas really. 

Saif, as Ehsaan on the FBI’s most wanted radar, coolly zips in and out of U S airports (he’s trimmed his beard, and maybe even has a fake massa somewhere). And Avantika turns out to be one ditzy damsel, staying on with Ehsaan even after she dhan ta na, she has learnt of his secret identity. Hello hello! Pregnant with his child, our Avantikaji  beds him to show off that poster-sized bare back. He’s shown bare -backed too, but in terms of screen sex appeal, both need some elementary lessons pronto. Chill! 

The FBI agents come off as nerds, the terrorists strike you as puppets on the director’s loose strings, and the action like a car crash, are sloppy. Hemant Chaturvedi’s camerawork in a bid to be coolly stylish is much too obtrusive; as for the transition shots of homes and buildings, they become so excessive that for a moment you feel you’re watching a digest of architecture. 

Vis-à-vis  the Islamic elements, the kalima is much too randomly used (someone even stops saying it midway through) and precious words are bandied about, like Alhamdolillah, which must be used with care and pure faith. Did anyone care to re-re-authenticate the dialogue and lyrics?  Evidently not. 

The tortoise-paced editing makes Kurbaan heavy on both the mind and the heart. And like it or not, the performances are nothing to write home, or anywhere,  about. Saif Ali Khan either looks super-smug or goes smirk-smirk. Kareena Kapoor is irritatingly cosmetic, wearing lip gloss even when she’s zzzzupposed to be in bed, asleep. Vivek Oberoi should stop tearing his eyes to convey shock. And Om Puri should reject such terrorist boss roles, please, please, please – pretty please? 

In effect, then, Kurbaan is the sort of film that doesn’t have a clue about the complex subject it is dealing with. It set my teeth on edge. And ha ha , not only because it is revealed at the end that the real name of Saif Ali Khan’s terrorist happens to be Khalid. Thanks Karan, Rensil.. whoever he is referring to.. I’d just like to see how you guys would respond if your names were used for heinous criminals on screen. Or even in graffiti. Try it. 

Clearly the motive for such movies is sheer profit.  Who cares about responsible cinema? Certainly not Johar who plays with faith and terrorism as if they were toys, absolutely designer.